I know not a lot of people liked the movie where our beloved Will Smith wrote letters to Love, Time and Death after his daughter died. Well, eff ya’ll! (jk, keep reading), cause I did. It hit me, in places I didn’t know existed. Around this time last year I stopped writing much in general. I had no idea that in these coming days I would lose my neice, that my best friend would lose her first and only child, and that the day before my birthday I’d be attending her funeral. So, as the time comes back around and hits me in the face. This time I’m faced with turning 30 and what I thought that would look like. So I wrote a letter to life and I decided I should write more. Read the first one, below:

Friday, June 9th, 2017.

Dear Life,

Yesterday I got drunk, and made a fool of myself. For some reason when I woke up I didn’t regret it.

I had promised myself these 30 days prior to turning 30 that I wouldn’t get drunk, or high, or stupid. But, I woke up to a song called “Broken Clocks“, I had been listening to it in my sleep, never having remembered turning it on, and somehow I saw myself so much clearer.

In these last days before I turn 30 I want to make all the mistakes. I want to fall in love, and to fall out of it. I want to spend some moments getting sloppy drunk, and I want to spend moments with the type of clarity I could only retain from being sober and alone and quiet – with my fears. I want to feel it all. I want to end my 20’s in an epic way and that comes with it – just being myself. I’ve always had a free spirit. I’ve always had a wild heart, and in my honest opinion that’s what always made me the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

I’ve always whispered sweet nothings into my own ears, like, that I didn’t love myself. That wasn’t true. I just wanted you to love me, too. And I was afraid you wouldn’t. I had this idea in my head that turning 30 meant I had to: stop. Stop making mistakes, Stop thinking negative thoughts, stop loving the way I do, stop being imperfect the way that you described being perfect, in all the days I’ve known you. But, at 4:57 AM I pretty much just realized that, this is the point of you. That there are no due dates. The point of you is that I don’t have to do a damn thing.

But, I want to. In this upcoming decade… I want to read more, I want to drink more water, I want to be healthier, I want to be stronger, I want to be more…. sane and less cynical. I want to quit a job that feels like a job, I want to write more. I want to fall into the poetry that I’ve somehow forgotten to write. I want to direct a film. I want to style a celebrity. I want to creative direct one photo shoot a month, I want to creative direct my- you. I want to be dangerous. I want to be a favorite thing to my favorite thing. I want to be a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend. I want to do so. many. things.

But of these things the most important to me…. Is becoming comfortable with myself. I have to stop lying to me about how I feel about… me. Because I love all of me, but I’ve been cursed by the window of image, and once I understand that…. Wow. The rest will have no choice but to fall into place.


Until next time.